When good people with goodwill get poor results

This past year has been a real meat-grinder for T.K. and me. I think he's weathered it better than I did. It all started so well, with meetings and assessments and diagnosis and communication books and hey, new glasses thrown into the mix for good measure. And in spite of that, it was even worse than the year before.

I'd fallen off of the blog wagon, perhaps in subconscious hope that our truly difficult days were behind us. I guess that's the lesson of the day (year) for this edition. Don't make those assumptions.

As much as I would have loved it to be wonderful and harmonious and uplifting and all, I could see the seeds of frustration and disconnect even before the first pack of pencils was breached. I remember a bright, warm spring day in T.K.'s Grade 1 year, when I'd picked him up at nutrition/recess break (as requested by the school administration), and we'd spent 40 pleasant minutes having a picnic in the park and a bike ride to get T.K.'s ya-ya's out.

"I'm thirsty," he said, on the way back to school.

"No problem, bud," sez Mom. "You can get a drink at the school." T.K. locked up his bike out front, paused to pick up some litter and deposit it in the garbage can, and rattled on happily about his hopes to get one of the "caught ya" awards the school gives out for those who contribute to the school community. I signed him in and he zipped down the hall to his classroom.

I paused to tie my shoe. A fateful decision. T.K. hit his classroom and realized he'd forgotten to get his drink. With lunchtime ticking through its last minutes and no teacher to give permission, he turned around to zip back down the hall to the fountain. And ran up against Mrs. E, who was patrolling the halls.

"Get back to your classroom!" she snapped.

"But I want a drink," said T.K..

"Get back to your classroom!"

"But I want a drink!" wailed 6-year-old T.K..

"No you don't. Get back in your classroom!"

I was paralyzed. Mom can't countermand teachers on their home turf. Major faux pas. But it was like watching a train wreck in progress. T.K. panicking and getting "stuck", the teacher no less "stuck" on her insistence that he did not want a drink (um, whut? He just told you he does) and had to return to class RIGHT NOW.

Another teacher stepped out in the hallway. Mrs. N. Hooray -- calm, flexible Mrs. N. She'll help them resolve this.

"T.K., get back in your classroom!"

Sigh. Or... not. I hazarded a peek around the corner. T.K. was sitting on the floor in a miserable heap while two adults stood over him. Long gone was the cheery mood, the hopes for the kind of day that would earn him a reward. "I want a drink!" he wailed.

Then, rescue for the entire group arrived in the form of Miss T, his teacher. "Hi T.K.! Why don't we get you settled in class and you can have a drink as soon as we take attendance?"

"Okay," said T.K. unsteadily. He climbed to his feet and walked towards the classroom without a glance at the fountain. That's all it took -- someone who could hear his problem and promise him that it would be solved. The other teachers, their faces saved and their total authority intact, disappeared in other directions.

I wanted to barf. I'd donated an hour of my time and income to getting T.K. into a positive, relaxed, hopeful state for school, and here it was shot to crap within twenty seconds of getting in the door. Over a drink of water. The message for T.K.? The adults in here don't like you, don't get you, aren't interested in your needs, and will deny that you even have them. It won't make any difference. What a great basis for a trust relationship.

Aaaaaand, guess who he had for his teacher this year? You got it. Mrs. E. I tried to have the placement changed, but the principal insisted that Mrs. E. was just the thing for him. She's kind, she told me. She's committed. She's got loads of experience with special education.

I tried to protest but got exactly nowhere. The die was cast. So I shelved my misgivings and got on board. We worked up an IEP. We brought in resource people. We set up a communication book. And we had many, many meetings. And you know what? This year sucked even worse than last year. T.K. and Mrs. E. might as well have been speaking different languages on separate planets. Oil, meet water.

Make no mistake -- she IS kind and committed and experienced and all the things she was advertised to be. But she didn't *get* T.K.. And wasn't interested in even making the effort.

Two lessons: even kind, committed, experienced teams of people can still get bad results. And seeing the train wreck coming doesn't necessarily mean you can prevent it, no matter how hard you try.