Things That Work #1: Not Going Away

Lindsay Moir came to speak at our local children's developmental-services agency a few years ago. Lindsay's got some serious cred. He's been a special-needs teacher, principal, superintendent, governmental bureaucrat, professional advocate... AND, parent to a special-needs daughter. (I believe I have all those positions right.)

The Ontario Association of Children's Rehabilitation Services (OACRS) features a regular "Ask Lindsay Moirs" column on their website at www.oacrs.com/resource-familynet.php , where Lindsay fields questions from parents of children of all ages, and facing a wild diversity of challenges. It's well worth a browse. Odds are you'll find someone like you, with a child like yours.

Anyway, Lindsay spoke about structuring an IEP that would be useful AND used, about navigating the various levels of educational bureaucracy, and about the underlying concerns and psychology of the school-system people you'll be dealing with, which makes it easier for you to speak their language and jump over the hurdles that get placed in your way. Loads and loads of great stuff.

But the first, best thing he said was this (Lindsay, forgive me if I mess up your delivery):

"There have been studies done on the factors that contribute the most to the success of children with special needs. Whatever the special need, and however "success" is defined for that child, there is one factor that the successful cases have in common. It isn't education level or income or socioeconomic status of the parents. It isn't the geographic district you live in, or the educational philosophy of the school. It isn't the size of the class. It isn't any of those things."

"It's Parents Who Will Not Go Away. Notice that I don't say parents who are pushy or obnoxious, but... parents who calmly, firmly won't go away until their child has what they need to succeed."

I sat in the audience that night, and all my anxieties about knowing what to do and how to do it fell away in a moment of wonderful clarity. "Not Going Away," I thought. "I can DO that!!"

This principle will carry you through those days when the administration informs you that you didn't get the teacher you were hoping for, or you lost the disagreement about how to handle your kid's stress meltdowns at school, or they withdrew the funding for the social skills class he was loving so much. I had a principal for a while who liked to make sure that the parent walked out of her office knowing just WHO in that room had "won" that day (her) and WHO had "lost" (the parent). "Yeah," I'd think. "You won this round. But what you don't understand is that I'm. Not. Going. Away."

So... take a deep breath, have a cup of coffee, plaster a calm, confident smile on your face, and KEEP COMING BACK. It's amazing how much gets done, sooner or later, when you do.