The New Epidemic of Defiance

My M.O., when confronted with a problem, has always been to get one (or two, or twelve) books on the subject and research obsessively. Parenting is the first challenge that has not fairly quickly sorted itself out in the face of the onslaught of print-based expertise, and this has actually been a very good thing for me.

However, old habits die hard, and after one of our recent school blow-ups, I went out and spent $100 on books with "Defiant" and "Challenging" in the title. The first one, "Your Defiant Child" (by Russell Barkley, who has a PhD and everything, and Christine Benton, who doesn't but is still really really smart) earned itself a free flight across the room and into the opposite wall, when I encountered the following, ten pages in:

"Therefore, to answer the question, 'Is there really anything wrong, or is it just me,' you need some reliable objective measures. My colleagues and I consider a child oppositional and defiant when the child demonstrates a pattern of three types of behavior:

"1. The child fails to start doing what you ask within one minute after you make the request (or one minute following the point at which you say the child has to do what you ask, such as after the cartoon he is watching is over)."

Good heavens. Who knew? It seems that I also have a defiant *husband*, as well as a defiant child!! And to be fair, I find out that *I* am also regularly defiant! Don't ask how many times my husband has to ask me to do my taxes, in an average year. Well, on we go...

"2. The child fails to finish what you've asked her to do. Some children may get up and start making their beds as requested right away, but then they run off to do something more appealing in the middle of the chore."

Well, THAT'S certainly not normal. I mean, if it were, we'd have a whole nation of people checking their Facebook pages or thinking about their vacations or talking about last night's episode of Lost, when they SHOULD be WORKING!!

"3. The child violates rules of conduct already taught. Does your son know that swearing is unacceptable in your house, but he does it anyway? Does your daughter understand the rule, 'no snacks without permission,' but constantly take food from the refrigerator without asking?"

Oh, for pity's sake. Kid drops the f-bomb or raids the fridge and he's diagnosable? What are we raising here, humans or Imperial Storm Trooper Clones? Would you take parenting advice from someone who never did these things? Would you want to BE parented by someone whose demands for compliance were that rigid?

There are some families out there with REAL problems. Kids who do real harm to others and themselves. Kids whose anxieties are so paralyzing that they can't even leave the house. Why are we pathologizing kids who do things that we ALL did, and all STILL do, even as adults?

Okay. Deep breath. Retrieve book from place behind the sofa where it landed. The dust jacket features a recommendation by Ed Hallowell, who's someone I respect. Russell and Christine, Ed's just obtained you your second chance. Don't be wasting my valuable time, now. Give me some worthwhile perspective -- within one minute of me requesting it, please.